Brains, trains, and socially awkward ninjas (ok, I lied about the train)

I had an interesting start to my day. My alarm went off. I turned it off and proceeded to have an argument with myself over whether I should go back to sleep or go to the gym.

One half of my brain was saying: "Due to your terrible insomnia, you only got 5 hours of sleep. Wouldn't you feel better if you got an hour more?"

The other half was like: "No, Bizatch! You get your exponentially expanding behind out of this bed and go to the gym"

     "But it's been proven that you burn more effective calories if you get the proper amount of sleep." (I don't know if this is really true.)

     "It's been proven that you have more energy if you work out, so get moving you little pansy!"

This continued for a while, and it got to the point that I was afraid that my brain was going to pull out shanks and start stabbing itself:

Finally, after ten minutes of this, I told both sides to shut up. I decided that if I was awake enough to have a debate of this magnitude, I was awake enough to get up and go to the gym.

I love the gym. No, really, I do. It's just the waking up to go that bothers me. If Strange Little Man didn't work nights, I would go in the evening. I love it when the weekends come around, so I can go for as long as I like and not have to worry about hurrying home to take care of stuff.

I think I love the gym because it gives me a chance to be alone and work out my frustrations. That, and I get to catch up on my TV shows with Hulu on my iPad. Today I tried to catch up on The Office. I love that show. I've finally figured out that I'm like a less annoying Dwight. We both grew up on farms, are socially awkward, and think ninjas exist.

Socially awkward ninja. Maybe a little blind, too.

The other thing I love about the gym is that I get to watch people in a primitive environment. Think about it, a bunch of sweaty people in the same room making grunting and groaning noises. This must be what our ancestors felt like - minus the weight bench. Sometimes when I've forgotten to charge my iPad and I'm bored, I try to categorize the Gym People. My favorite are The Screamers.

The Screamers are the people who purposely dial up the resistance too much or add too much weight to a machine. Then, once they realize that it's too much, instead of adjusting the machine to their fitness level, keep going so they don't seem like a pussy for turning it down. They make it through the first couple of minutes/reps with some strain, then decide to channel that strain into making some sort of noise. For males, it's more of a grunt. For females, it's an alarmed "Ahhhhh!" that slowly turns into a wail as the workout progresses. I'm always torn between reaching over and dialing down their machine or saying "I'll have what she's/he's having!"

AAAAHHHHHHH! Oh God! Oh God!

My next favorite category is The Exhibitionists. These people are not there to workout, they are there to be seen. Usually found standing near the mirrors, around the water fountain, or at the manager's desk; The Exhibitionist is dressed in the most expensive workout gear, with perfectly white tennis shoes. The females have perfectly styled hair and are in full makeup. A prerequisite of being a female Exhibitionist is that she must have a high pitched giggle. They also wear their training bra as a shirt, while the rest of us real people are in baggy t-shirts trying to hide our stretch marks and scars. The males are usually at least a little muscular, but I have no idea how, as I have never seen one actually workout. Maybe they have a Bowflex at home. The male Exhibitionist also sometimes wears a thong that peeks over the top of his shorts just to show how cool he is.

I'm too sexy for my shorts!

Other categories include, but are not limited to (Since I probably will never finish making these up):

-Creepy Sunglasses Guy: The man who never takes his sunglasses off. I never know what he's looking at.
-The Co-dependent Couple: The couple (may or may not be an actual couple) who find it physically impossible to workout without their counterparts. They also usually wear matching outfits.
-Mr./Ms. "You're Doing It Wrong": The know-it-all jerk who tries to correct your workout for you without being asked for help.
-Nosy Nancy: The person who believes she deserves to know your entire life's story simply because she chose the treadmill next to yours.


If you see any of these stereotypes in your local gym, be sure to notify the proper authorities. Afterward, tell me who the proper authorities are so I can report the offenders in my gym!

Did I forget any categories?

P.S. Sorry for all the crappy drawings, I felt creative. If you want true art, go somewhere else.