Potty Humor

So, it's been a little while since I've posted. The Monster (my two year old) has been sick, then Strange Little Man caught it, and now I have it. We're all coughing and hacking and wiping our noses. I just checked my email for the first time in over a week and cleared out all 200 or so messages. (mostly wanting me to buy diet pills and porn, but hey, what else can I expect from my mom?)


So imagine my surprise and pants-wetting excitement to log on to blogspot today to find that I have two followers and one whole comment! (It still counts if I know them all, like, for real, right?) Three or nine or a million more posts and I might be an interwebs sensation!

Another thing I have been busy doing lately is potty training The Monster. I have been fighting with her her for over a year and a half, but I've gotten serious this time. I even put on my war paint:

Yes- my potty training warpaint is brown-and massive!

 

I've learned a few things about toddlers during this experience:

     1) Once you teach them to pull their diapers/pull-ups/underwear off, they become nudists! Monster loves to take them off right when I'm expecting someone over or when the doorbell rings:

She has my big booty!

      2) When they decide to rebel, it's not just "I'm not going to go in your infernal potty," it's "Not ONLY am I not going to go in your infernal potty, I won't go in my diaper either!" So I get to clean up where she decides to poop all over her room. (I won't draw a picture of that, I like you guys too much!)

     3) They expect to receive something for every time they do go successfully in the potty. And grandparents only fuel that fire! I'm getting the "Grandpa gave me a skateboard and you expect me to be happy with a STICKER?!" look more often than I like.

I am also learning that this whole potty training thing is changing me as an adult:

     1) I find myself looking for someone to high five when I use the restroom, then becoming somewhat disappointed when I remember I can't do that. I'm grown up.

      2) I watch other people's children that are the Monster's age, to see if they're potty trained yet. It's like a new obsession. People are going to think I'm a pedophile for staring at their kid's butts, when in fact, I am just checking to see if they're still in diapers. Hey, at least I don't do the "squeeze test"!

      3) I've learned to hold it ALL DAY! When you're potty training someone else, there is no time to actually go yourself. Because in the two minutes it takes you to go, they have taken off their pants and are threatening to crawl under the stall door and run through JcPenny's.

And thus ends another failed blog that I originally planned to discover why I have such evil feelings towards Taylor Swift. Guess I'll save that for when I run out of ideas.